I’m a husband, dad, film editor, and writer.
One of my greatest passions is encouraging the reconciliation of humanity with God, our selves and each other through courage and vulnerability.
“We all carry scars, Mr. Bates, inside or out. You’re no different to the rest of us. Remember that” — Mrs. Hughes (Downton Abbey)
It took a season of desperation to finally admit that, just like everybody else, I had scars from my past.
About a year and a half ago I ran smack dab into the most difficult season of my life – being a parent. I was overwhelmed with fatherhood as it was, but it certainly didn’t help matters when my son had colic for 6 months.
My wife and I took turns holding him as he screamed for hours, his arms and legs curled up in a ball from the pain. Even at a young age he would turn and look me right in the eyes, pleading for help as tears streamed down his face.
What made it even more difficult was seeing other parents having an easier time of things. I knew they had challenges too, but I saw them go out for dinner, parties and church services with their baby quietly in tow.
Because I was too overwhelmed to go anywhere, I was left to entertain my fears:
Why is this so hard for me?
Maybe I’m doing something wrong. Maybe there’s something wrong with me.
Why does God leave me to suffer like this?
Maybe I’m not good enough.
I felt trapped in the pain, stress, humiliation, loneliness, and what I learned later was called shame. (Thanks to the insight of Brené Brown, among others).
I had the expectation throughout life that I could handle anything. And if I couldn’t, I moved on to something else. I saw the path before me: I could continue to move through life dependent on external situations for my self-worth, or I could finally address my internal wounds by pursuing a Sacred Badge of Courage.
I chose the later.
I sought out mentors who could help me in this crisis of self – in this crisis of faith. I looked for people based not on their achievements or titles, but on their internal maturity. It is said that we will know them by their fruit. And that is the kind of people I sought out.
Over time I found mentors who gave me the encouragement to keep going and the guidance to connect with God in ways that changed my life forever. I am grateful for their words of wisdom which continue to influence my daily life (and the Sacred Badge of Courage blog).